Gone
by blackbirdxsinging
Summary: when jesse dies at an important time, it is up to her to heal herself.
1. Chapter 1

Dancing.

Spinning.

Twirling.

Kissing.

Those are my memories. Jesse spun me around with his delicate hands as I spun around in my beautiful white dress. The night was all unclear, like, fuzzy. No one knew what would happen, what the band would play, what move their partner would spin them into.

The lights were dimmed, casting a golden effect across the floor. It was amazing.

The music was enchanting. It washed over us, or me, most definitely, like a wave crashing against the shore.

I leaned in closer to Jesse, feeling his heat through his suit.

"This is beautiful." I whispered. The violins played on, in accompany with the flutes. Wonderful.

"I agree, querida. This is truly amazing." He spun me around himself and then slid me into a dip.

My brown hair was pinned up in a curly fashion. It brushed in my face as I came back up with Jesse.

"Do you have an idea on what you want to do afterwards?" I asked, pretty much knowing that he was going to say go to sleep in his apartment. He was _not_ going to say what I wanted him to say.

"I have a perfect idea." He said, skipping us both into a waltz.

A… _perfect _idea.

My heart jumped.

Was I ready for this?

"What is your perfect idea?" I asked, trying hard not to show my nervousness.

"It's a secret." He said back, spinning me again.

My eyes widened.

"A secret?" I gulped. "Why do you have to make it a secret? You _know_ that we promised not to keep secrets."

"Then it's a surprise. Why are you so jumpy, Susannah?" He asked, grinning.

"No reason." I lost my tension. This was the night I was waiting for.

The song finished and everyone started heading for the refreshments.

"How about we leave this place a little early?" He asked, winking.

Oh God.

I _so_ wasn't ready for this.

"Okay." I squeaked.

He rushed for the door, me following close behind, holding his hand.

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Jesse breathed in the ocean air.

"Here we are, Susannah." I opened my squinted eyes.

"The beach?" I asked weakly. _Why here? Why now?_ I thought.

"Yes, the beach." He said, sounding slightly offended.

_How was I supposed to get my dress undone?_ I thought again.

"Susannah." He whispered. "What are you doing?"

"Oh!" I said a little loud. Jesse stepped back. "Nothing, just… thinking."

"Okay."

Silence.

"I am going to take you to a place that you haven't seen before."

He ran ahead. I hurried behind, holding up my dress so I wouldn't trip.

Soon we were climbing.

"Jesse." I moaned. "When are we going to be there?"

"Soon." He said, and then he kept on rushing along.

I ran to catch up.

Finally we came to a clearing. It over looked the ocean, but it wasn't like any lookout point I had seen before.

It not only had a lovely view, but there was no industrial anywhere. There wasn't any gift shop, cars, streets, lights. There was only the stars, moon, and fireflies keeping us fgrom plunging in complete darkness.

And there were flowers.

Red ones, white ones, purple ones, mixes of colours that I have never seen before. Just colours, everywhere. And to the side there was a huge willow tree that looked quite old.

"Oh, Jesse." I whispered. "This is beautiful."

He nodded, breathing heavily from running for so long.

I sat down next to the edge of the point. The flowers seemed to move around me.

Jesse sat himself next to me very gracefully, as if he were afraid there were flowers beneath him and he didn't want to crush them.

His hand reached for mine.

It was warm and soft.

"Susannah Simon." He sighed. "Suze-annah Simon."

My stomach tied in knots.

"I bet you any money that I am more nervous then you are."

I shook my head. "I doubt that."

He put a funny look on his face. "Why would you be nervous?"

_So this isn't sex._ I thought quickly. My stomach untied itself.

I laughed. "I don't know."

"Querida, take off your gloves." He whispered, his lips moving against my ear.

I was wearing white satin gloves to go along with my dress.

"Why?" I said laughing. "I thought they looked nice."

"Just take them off." He said playfully.

"No." I said back, equally playful.

"Well…" He leaned back. "Then it might be difficult for you to put this on your finger then, wouldn't it?"

He pulled out a ring.

A ring.

My heart stopped.

A ring.

"Jesse, are you…"

"Susannah Simon," He said accordingly, getting on his knee. "Will you marry me?"

Jesse wanted me to _marry _him.

_Jesse_ wanted me to marry him.

Jesse wanted _me _to marry him!

"Jesse De Silvia," I whispered. "I will marry you." I smiled. His eyes widened.

He slipped the ring on my finger and stood up.

"I'm getting married!" He yelled.

"Jesse!" I whispered.

"What, that wasn't loud enough? I am getting MARRIED!" He yelled at the top of his lungs.

He helped me up and spun me around.

"My beautiful bride." He whispered, kissing me.

"Have you made your point?" Someone asked from the darkness across from us.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"I said, have you made your point. It is _late,_ lovebirds, and we are _trying _to sleep. You are on private property."

"Jesse," I hissed. "You didn't tell me that."

He ignored me.

"Who are you?"

"I am the owner of this land. And I am very upset that you are on it."

"Look, sir, we didn't want to raise trouble." Jesse said carefully not to upset the man any more.

"Well you did. My sister's baby's up now, and I have to deal with it."

"We'll just leave then." Jesse said, nodding. He grabbed my hand. "Come on, Susannah."

"Not so fast!" He yelled. "You don't get a out of jail free card, buddy!"

Jesse's eye brows rose.

"I don't know what you are reffering to, sir."

"I'm sayin', you cant just leave without paying the consequences."

Jesse shook his head in frusturation. "If I give you some money, will you just let us go?"

The man gasped.

"Do I look like a fucking charity case??" He screamed.

"No! No, sir, I apologize!"

"You shut the hell up pretty boy!!"

"I just wanted to propose to my girlfriend!" He said defensively.

"You wont come round here no more."

Before I could butt in and state some points, a gunshot went off.

It silenced the crickets.

There was only silence after that. Then the man ran off to somewhere I would never know.

I wondered what he had shot.

"That was weird, wasn't it, Jesse?" I whispered, terrified.

Then Jesse coughed.

Blood splattered everywhere.

He fell to the ground limply.

"No." I whispered.

"Jesse!!" I wailed, tears welling up in my eyes.

He was dead.

Gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**First of all, I want to thank everyone who reviewed. Wow, this has only been on for ONE DAY!! 28 hits, woohoo!**

**Anyways.**

**I'll get on with the next chapter.**

I choked on the situation. I cried.

"Jesse? Oh God, Jesse, say something!"

I shook his shoulders. His eyes opened in little slits.

"Susannah…" He rasped. "What happened?"

"You were shot." I sobbed. "I am going to take care of you, though, you are going to be okay."

"No." He wheezed. "I cant, I cant go on Susannah."

"Don't talk like that." I whispered.

"You know already Susannah. There isn't anything that you can do."

I shook my head. "No, Im going to get help."

"No!" He yelled as loud as he could, but that wasn't very loud. "Don't leave me."

I sat next to him. Blood stained his shirt.

"You cant die, Jesse." I cried. "You were going to be a doctor. We were going to be married. You cant leave now."

He reached to my face and tucked my hair behind my ear. "Those are all things that I would love to do, querida."

A tear dropped from my cheek.

"I wont be here as a ghost querida."

I choked. "Why not?" I wailed.

"I married my one true love. My unfinished buissness is done now."

I sobbed harder now. No more Jesse. Ever.

"Be strong, Querida. Move on without me."

I shook my head. "No, no, I wont move on, Jesse."

"You have to. Promise me that you will move on."

I shook my head. "I cant live without you."

He coughed. "Keep the ring. I don't want to bring you pain, Susannah. Find someone else. _Move on._"

I cried. "Oh, Jesse, you need an ambulance." I stood up.

"Don't go!"

I sat down.

"Lie with me." He whispered. I lay down on the grass next to him. "Ever since we started going out, Susannah, I wanted to make love to you." He rasped. My body tingled. "Now I'll never get to do that."

"It isn't your fault." I whispered.

"Yes, it is. Its my fault that Im dying. I took you here."

"No, Jesse." I shook my head even though I knew it was true.

"Everything that you did, Susannah, every effort you made, every tradgety you have been through, was worth it. You gave me feelings I didn't know I could feel anymore. You made my life worth while."

"What if we don't get married? What if I just say 'no' and give you the ring back? Would you still be here Jesse, as a ghost?"

He shook his head. "If you love me, if you truly love me, you will not rid of this ring." He rubbed his fingers over the diamond ring on my finger.

"I do, Jesse, I love you so much, but Jesse, if I just give it back, maybe you will…"

He placed his finger over my mouth. "Hush, Querida."

He coughed again.

"_Love of mine, someday I will die, but you'll be close behind, I'll be with you, into the dark, no blinding lights, or tunnels and gates of white, just our hands clasped so tight, wating for the hint of a spark."_ He sang in a choked tone. "_If heaven and hell decide, that they both are satisfied, illumintate the no's on their vacancy signs, if theres no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark."_

And then he closed his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

I sat there crying and holding his hand for a long time.

_Move on._

I heard him say.

_Find someone else._

His face was pale. The blood on his face and his shirt was starting to dry.

I guess I thought that I would see him.

You know, his soul, raise up from his body. But that didn't happen.

"Oh, Jesse." I cried, weeping into his shoulder.

------------------------------------------------------------------

It took a long time to get over Jesse.

I don't think that I am completely over him. I don't think that I will ever be.

At his funeral they asked me to sing. For Jesse. They said that he loved music and he would have loved it if I were to sing to him.

It took a long time to build up the courage, but eventually I was able to learn a song and get ready to perform in front of the two people there.

Ceecee and Father Dominic.

No one else showed up. It made me want to hunt them all down and stab them to death.

I swallowed. My shoes tapped on the wooden floor. I had never sung for a crowd before. Even if the crowd was only two people.

"Jesse was my best friend." I said into the microphone. "He was a gentleman, he loved animals," I choked, thinking of him and Spike. "He always was willing to lend a hand. He was the only person I could tell anything to. He was always there." I wiped my face with my GAP sweater. "He loved to sing, and read, and listen to music. Before Jesse died, he sang me a song about places unknown. It was the most beautiful thing that I have ever heard, and now I will sing to him, because I never got the opertunity to sing to him when he was alive— " I squeaked. I wiped away the tears that I had started to cry.

I took a deep breath and sang.

_The problem with your smile is that its gone._

_And all your laughter, will have to wait till after_

_The problem with your clothes is that they're off_

_They're folded nicely_

_And packed up tightly_

_Cause your gone._

_But time is burning_

_I am learning_

_Just Cause your gone dosent mean your gone_

_Cause your name was written down_

_And though_

_I walk_

_These halls alone_

_I never thought I'd ever see you bleed_

_But your skin is so cold now_

_I wish that you'd_

_Stop pretending to sleep_

_Now that this is over_

_I guess its my turn to be strong_

_Well I want this I need this I cant live without this—_

I stopped singing. I couldn't continue. It hurt too much. I looked down at the wooden coffin that Jesse was now lying in and I collapsed over it.

"Everything you went through Jesse, your work, your tradgeties, your effort, your love… Jesse." I cried. "It was worth it. I love you so much!" I cried out kind of a short shriek that sounded like a gasp.

Father Dominic walked up and grabbed my shoulders. He was pulling me away.

"No!" I cried, pulling away. "He was supposed to be a doctor! He was supposed to be a doctor!" I was wailing now. I broke free from his grip and crashed on the ground.

"Jesse!!" I yelled. "Jesse!"

**Sorry for the short chap. More soon.**


	4. Chapter 4

My mom tried to be supportive.

She moved a TV up in my room. She also adjusted it so I could see it perfectly from my bed. But I didn't use it.

I dug my face into my pillow.

_It's a dream._ I convinced myself. _This is all a dream._

I wedged my head between two pillows and slammed them together.

And then I bawled.

This wasn't a dream. Jesse was dead. His soul was gone somewhere I wouldn't know.

I thought about traveling through time, and go to that purply place with the smoke and transformer guy. I tried it.

I thought, hey, what the heck, I'll get him back.

But it didn't work.

I imagined myself there, and I didn't move an inch.

I wasn't in the weird and purple place. I was still in my bedroom with two pillows wedged around my head.

I finally turned on the TV and lay down with the covers up to my nose.

I was watching a story about a girl being stabbed five times on Judge Judy. My hair was messy and would probably leave a greasy slick mark on my pillow. But I didn't dare move.

I just wanted to focus on other peoples problems, and not mine.

Not my problem.

Not my Jesse.

But his voice kept ringing in my ears, his song, his music.

I felt guilty, too.

_I should have finished the song for him._ Was the only thing I thought when Judy was defending her case. _It was for him, and I didn't even do it right._

"Guilty!" Judy yelled. I turned up the volume and slammed the two pillows on my head.

"Suzie? Honey?" My mom.

I didn't say anything.

"I brought you some food."

Silence.

Finally she opened the door and dropped a few bags on the ground.

"Brad is moving his mini fridge in here so you can keep your food good. Wasn't that nice?"

I just stared at the celeing.

"Oh, baby." She walked over and stroked my hair. "I know your sad."

I let out a sob.

"I got you some things at the mall. You can look through them if you want." She kissed my forehead and moved the bags closer to my bed.

When she left, Brad came right in, silently, set up the mini-fridge next to my bed and loaded all the food in it as quietly as he could.

"Sorry Suze." He said finally, walking through the door.

As he shut it, I threw a pillow at the door.

How dare he even say sorry? He didn't care about Jesse, OR me. He was just shedding disrespect all over the room.

I pulled the pillows over my eyes and fell asleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up to my stomach growling. I was going to have to move.

As I stepped out of bed, I seemed to pour gloominess all over everything. The windows weren't pretty anymore. The ocean was just a sea of black. Nothing was good anymore. Everything, everything was just… wrong.

I opened the mini fridge. Brad had even managed to take the food out of the Zhers bags.

There were mini pizzas, there were bottles of milk and Dr Pepper, there were fruits and there were milkshakes. I took out a strawberry blend and shut the fridge.

I sat in my bed drinking it with a straw. It tasted horrible. It stuck to my throat and sat in my stomach. Not that the milkshake tasted bad. But I had a feeling that everything I ate would feel like that.

"Jesse." I whispered, and then I started crying again.

---------------------------------------------

After I had calmed down, I whimpered and slid under the covers again. I left my milkshake container on the ground.

"She has been sitting on her bed for hours just sulking! I don't know if she has even eaten anything!" I heard my mother say from outside.

"Well go in and talk to her." Andy said back.

"Fine." She hissed, and then she knocked on the door.

"Baby?"

I didn't say anything back. I just turned up the tv. Will and Grace was on.

"Can I come in?"

I turned the TV up to its extent.

She creaked open the door.

"What are you doing, honey?"

I kept looking at the TV, making it obvious that I was watching Will and Grace.

"Oh baby. I know youre upset, honey, but you need to eat something."

"I had a milkshake." I grumbled.

"That's not enough. Have some pizza. Do you want me to order from—"

"No."

"Do you want Jake to bring you something?" I shook my head.

She picked up the bag by the door.

"I bought you some stuff. You should look through it, okay honey?"

"Mmph."

She placed the bag by my feet and walked out.

I searched through the bag.

Foo Fighters CD. I tossed it on the bed.

Nail Polish. Like I wanted to paint my nails.

Complete Season of Grey's Ananomy.

Doctors.

Jesse wanted to be a doctor.

I was blinded by tears as I threw the DVD at the wall.

I cried and cried between the two pillows as I drifted off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

I blinked.

_Our treehouse and our Saturdays, are gone. Now that this is over, I guess its my turn to be strong._

20 words. 20 words. I had 20 more words to sing.

I didn't finish the song.

I felt my stomach turn.

"I cant move on. How could you ever think I could move on?"

_You'll only have one true love in your entire life._

"I can only have one love, Jesse." I whispered. "One. I loved you. You were that one."

I shut my eyes.

I wanted him there.

Bandaging my foot. Reading my textbooks. Petting Spike. I just… I wanted him.

My chest tightened. "It hurts to be apart from you." I whispered. "It hurts for you to be gone."

Brad walked in and sat next to me. I kept my red swollen eyes shut.

"Suze?" He whispered. "Suze, mom sent me in here to make you feel better."

"Leave."

"Suze, I'm really sorry, but you have to move on. Catch up with the real world. You missed a whole week of school."

"I don't care about school."

He sighed. "You might in twenty years, when your living on the street."

My heart tanged. "Cut it out."

"Face it Suze. You need to wake up sometime."

"don't you see Brad?" I hissed. "I am _trying_ to wake up from this nightmare! This is a horrible, horrible dream! And I am _trying, so so hard_ to wake up. But Brad, you don't get it! I am awake! And this isn't a nightmare! Jesse is dead! I cant escape from that, and I especially wont try to escape because you want me to!"

"Suze." He whispered, shaking his head. "You _are _awake." He paused. "I'm awake, David, Jake, they're all awake. But Jesse… Jesse's not. Jesse's gone."

I screamed.

"If you can just get over it—" he yelled over me, "You can get somewhere here!!"

"I don't want to go anywhere!!" I screeched. "I want to stay here forever!"

"Well Suze, when you step back into the human race, I'll tell you why you cant stay here forever!" He yelled again.

I plugged my ears. "SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!" I yelled to drown out my stepbrother.

"Suze, mom is…"

I screamed again. I couldn't care less about my mother right now.

"Suze!"

I screamed louder.

"Susannah!! Mom has cancer!!" He screamed it louder then me.

I stopped screaming. Brad looked away.

"What?" I whimpered. "What?"

"Your mom fell down last night. They took her to a hospital for a… a… CAT scan. Yeah." I noticed his eyes were wet. He shook his head. "She just… she fell down Suze…" A lonely tear skipped down his cheek. "There wasn't anything I could do to help her." He choked on the words that ran out his mouth and shattered in the air. "I'm sorry."

"But… but she is going to be okay, right?" I asked, crying now too.

He shook his head. "They don't know yet, Susannah. She hasn't woken up… from… oh, Jesus Christ."

He stood up and rushed out of my room.

He must have been embarrassed. From crying in front of me.

The lump in my throat built up. I leaned my head back on the backboard of my bed.

"Mom?" I whispered. "No."

I looked at the bag. She had brought that in what… yesterday? The day before? She couldn't have gotten cancer since then… could she?

That was it. Brad was making it up. The knot in my stomach loosened. "That wasn't funny, Brad!" I yelled, my voice shaking. And then I added, "Everythings fine. Ha, ha."

But deep down in my heart, I knew that my mom _did _have cancer.

And I also knew that everything was definitely not, in any way, fine.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hola amigos! Ha ha. I say that every day. Right maddie? Hehehe. Anyways, sorry for the huge gap. . you guys are SO cool by still keeping it under alerts. thumbs up anyways, I have a little roll call at the bottom… long story, I'll see you after the chap. vanishes**

**--------**

_Be Strong._

All of his last words were like a tape in my head. His last _advice._ I thought about the one that came into my head. 'BE STRONG.'

I shut my eyes tight and tried to ignore the sickness in my throat as I stood up out of bed.

I slowly stepped towards the bathroom.

As I stepped on the tile floors, a memory slammed in my head, when I had to change in the bathroom because Jesse… Jesse was always sitting in my room.

I groaned in misery, and then the sickness…in the form of my breakfast… went out of my stomach and all over the floor.

---

"Its okay Suze." Andy said as we both sat on my bed and looked at the bathroom floor. "If you feel sick, you don't have to go."

"No!" I yelled automaticly. "I want to go."

He nodded. "I understand, Susannah, but if you aren't feeling well…"

"I'm feeling fine." I said back, my voice squeaking. "I just… I…"

Andy shushed me. "Its alright Susannah, I know."

_You don't, you don't!_ I thought. _You have no idea what its like to feel like this!_

But I let him wrap his arms around me and rock me back and forth. "Something like this happened to me a long time ago, David might have already told you."

I stayed silent.

"My wife." He reminded me, and I remembered. "You didn't know her, but you would have loved her."

But I did know her.

Andy's eyes started getting wet. "She was so pretty." He whispered.

"Did you love her?" I whispered back.

He nodded. "I wouldn't marry anyone I didn't love."

"Do you miss her?"

"Do you miss Jesse?"

I nodded. "I miss him more then anything in the world." I cried into his shoulder. "And I miss my mom, I miss her so much already."

He nodded.

"I know, Susannah."

_I shouldn't cry. _I thought. _Jesse wanted me to be strong._

And then, like Andy had read my mind, said: "Its allright, Susannah. You cry. You go ahead and cry."

And so I did. And slowly, _very_ slowly, I felt my sadness being lifted.

----

"Susie? Baby? Is that you?"

Red eyed, I nodded. "Yeah mom, I'm right here."

"Oh Susie." She reached for my hand and held it. I squeezed her fragile hand. "Everything is fine. Its fine, Susie. Whatever they told you isn't true. I'm coming home tomorrow. I promise."

I nodded. But I didn't believe her.

Her hair was messy. Her clothes were dirty. Her face had no colour. It was as if every pigment from her face drained out of her and into the air. This was a depressing place.

"Did you listen to the CD I bought you?" She asked, her voice turned to a whisper.

I lied. Tears skidded down my dry cheeks as I nodded. "Yeah mom, it was great."

"Good." She whispered. "I knew you'd like it."

I felt guilty. My mother was suffering so much, and I couldn't even manage to appreaciate her gift to me. I was selfish.

"I loved it mom." I whispered.

She smiled. "Susie, I love you."

I nodded, crying harder now. "I love you too, mom."

And then the doctor walked in and told us that we had to leave.

---

I had to clean up the mess I made in the bathroom. Andy was in his room, doing god-knows-what, Brad, Jake, and David all went out somewhere…

I didn't even know where they were.

After mopping up the mess, I walked in the bathroom and looked in the mirror.

God, I was a mess. My hair was greasy, stray pieces stuck together and sprung from my head. My eyes were red and swollen. My cheeks were damp from tears.

I closed my eyes.

I reached behind my head and pulled out the ponytail. I reached for the brush on the counter and slowly combed through my hair. It hurt, but I was getting progress.

"I'm going to need a shower, aren't I?" I wondered aloud. I sighed and placed the hairbrush on the counter again. I reached in the cupboard beneath the sink and pulled out a blue towel. I took a red one to lay out on the ground.

I turned the knob to turn on the hot water. I turned the cold one, just a little bit, so I could have a warm shower.

I pulled off my shirt and slid off my pants, and then I stepped in the shower.

The water stung at first. On my cheeks. On my eyes. The shower head managed to stab every swollen part of my body, every red scarred place where I had cried.

It hurt so much I screamed, at first. It was a good thing that everyone in the house had better things to do then worry about me.

I cleared my throat. I picked up the shampoo bottle and poured a generous amount on my hand. Trust me, I needed a lot.

I ran my soapy fingers through my hair.

"_And our treehouse and our Saturdays are gone. Now that this is over, I guess its my turn to be strong._" I sang aloud.

It felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I breathed in the warm air. It still felt like something was missing, but it felt like home, nevertheless.

I reached for the conditioner, my eyes still closed, but I reached slightly to the left of the bottle. Knocking it with my hand, it fell from the ledge and down to my foot.

"Aaaah!!" I screamed in pain. Blood swirled down from my foot and down the drain. I shut my eyes and screamed louder. The water stung at my new cut harder then at my face. The left over soap from my shampoo came pouring down my legs and into the wound.

"Son of a bitch!" I yelled. I turned off the water and sat on the edge of the shower.

Blood continued to pour from my foot. I closed my eyes and let the pain take control.

"I hate this! I hate this house, I hate this city, I hate the beach, I hate you Jesse!!" I screamed very, very loud.

And I swear, for just a second, I heard Jesse speak. "_How could you say that, querida?"_

And then I cried. In agony. Again.


	7. Chapter 7

"Moms coming back today." Jake announced, hanging his jacket up on the hook. "We had to rent some of the medical equipment, and there has to be a nurse here to attend to her if something is wrong. But she's coming home."

I looked up from my nails. "Really Jake?" I asked, eyes still red from the shower.

"Yeah. I'm going to go pick her up at 7 tonight. With the medical stuff." He stated proudly.

"No, you aren't." Andy corrected him, walking in from the living room. "_I_ will go pick her up."

Jake's face fell. "Fine." He smirked. "Blame me for trying to be helpful."

Andy rolled his eyes and took something out of the cupboard.

I looked at my nails. I painted them bright red. The colour mom bought me. I didn't really feel like painting them, however I wanted my mother to be in a great mood when she returned. I didn't want her to think that I had been neglecting her gifts, because really, I wasn't.

"Suze?" I looked up.

"Yeah Andy?" This was going to be horrible. He was going to ask something heartbreaking about my mother, or burst into tears with a story about her.

"What would you like for dinner?"

I returned to glancing over my nails. "Anythings fine, Andy."

He nodded briefly and returned to the counter.

"Actually…" He turned back again. "I was thinking maybe something that mom would like." I whispered, because it felt wrong to mention her name any louder.

He nodded again and smiled. "Sounds perfect, Suze."

I looked at my nails… again… and then stood up.

"Where are you going?" Andy asked.

"Just upstairs. I'm going to…" I waved my hands. I didn't really want to talk. "Just do something…"

I rushed up the stairs and into my room.

I sat on my bed and looked over at the window seat. I almost burst into tears. But I held it together.

"Jesse?" I whispered. "I heard you yesterday." I looked around. "If you're here… or anywhere, Jesse." I breathed in slowly. "Please…" There was no use trying to hold back the tears now. "Come back, Jesse. Come here."

Only silence replied.

I closed my eyes. "Okay." I whispered. "That's okay." I wiped my eyes and stood up off of my bed.

I picked up my Foo Fighters CD and ripped off the plastic wrapping. I carefully picked the CD out of the case and put it in the CD player.

I turned it to a random song. Piano filled the room.

"Perfect." I whispered.

I sat in the middle of my room. I lit three candles around me.

I closed my eyes and folded my legs. "This… this is a ceremony for the dead." I whispered. "To be forever remembered in our hearts. This entire houses heart."

_All I want, is to be home._

"For my father." I whispered. "You were a great man. You cared for me, and my mother. You helped us out in the dark. You will be my one and only father for as long as I shall live. I love you dad." I squeaked. I took a deep breath and blew out the candle to the left of me.

"For Andy's wife." I said more steadily. "She was a wonderful mother, and a even more wonderful wife. Whoever she was, she was lucky to be in this family. I hope you're proud of your sons." I whispered finally. I took another deep breath and blew out the candle to my right.

"And… for you, Jesse." I fidgeted with my fingers. "You never got the life you deserved. You died, twice, for your love, which wasn't fair. You never married, Jesse, but you came close." I laughed humourlessly, tears streaming down my face. "You were fearless, you were brave, you always thought of others. I loved you. I loved you more then anything in the entire world." I sighed, eyes still closed. I took a deep breath and blew out the last candle directly in front of me. "I will have no greater love." I added. "Goodbye, Jesse."

I waited.

I sat there in the dark, just… waiting.

I'm not sure what I was expecting.

An explosion, maybe.

A response…

Definitely.

Once I realized that nothing else was going to happen that night, I turned on the light and cleaned up the candles.

I wiped my eyes with a tissue and fixed my makeup in the mirror.

"Look what you did to me, Jesse." I sighed, putting on my mascara. "I used to cry… three times a year. And now… three times before breakfast."

I turned on the tap and washed my hands. I fixed my hair into a ponytail.

It was dead silent in the house. I was guessing that the boys went to pick up mom now.

"Seems like only yesterday, life belonged to runaway." I sang quietly. No one could hear, right?

I was going to continue singing, but a cold breeze brushed against my feet. I pushed open the door to my bedroom. The window was open. I squinted. There was something written on the window.

I walked over to the window seat. It was summer, but condensation covered the window. I squinted even more. What did that say?

Oh, God.

No… way.

_Querida,_ I read.

My eyes widened.

"Brad!!" I screamed. "Jake!! Whatever joke you guys are pulling it is _not _funny!!!"

No one answered. I looked out the window. The car was gone.

"Stop it!!" I screamed. I pulled my head out and looked at the window. Whatever the condensation was, it was gone. As far as anyone else knew, it was never there.

"Whats going on?" I whispered to myself. "Jesse?"

Nothing.

"Jesse!"

Still. Nothing.

The car pulled into the driveway. Mom was back.

I shut the window quickly and rushed down the stairs.


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry bout the gap. Typical thing for me to do. But I was finishing off my other story, its all done now. Only 4 more to finish off! Pfttt…**

----------------

"Susie." My mom says coming in my room and turning on the light. "Susie, are you awake?"

My eyes stretch open. "I am now." I grumble. Then I realize it's my mother, and I lighten up a little.

"Oh, Susie." She carries this machine that's attatched to her nose. She plops her self down on my bed.

She picks up her hand and strokes back my hair.

"I'm going to be okay, Susie."

I swallow my tears. "No, you aren't, mom."

She nods. Tears fall down her eyes. There are dark circles around them. "Have faith, little Susie. Have faith."

She stands up after a while. I don't want her to.

"Susie… I need to use your bathroom. I cant take a bath…" She sobs a little. "Its too humiliating to have one in Andy's room."

I nod sympathetcly. "Sure mum, you go have a bath."

"Thankyou, Susie." She walks silently into the bathroom, her bony feet making a click click sound on the tile.

I walk over and turn off the light again. I get into my bed and pull the covers over my nose.

I'm just about to drift off to sleep when I hear my mother.

She's crying. I look over through the door.

"Mom?" I ask, looking into the bathroom. "Mom, are you okay?"

She keeps crying, load and wailing.

"Mom!"

I walk over to the bathroom.

"Don't come in here, Susie!" She yells, still crying. "I don't want anyone to see me!!"

I stand there, my face pressed against the wall.

"Mum, are you alright?"

She starts crying again. She tries to keep it down.

"Mom, whats wrong?"

She gasps and continues to cry. "My hair, Susie. My hair."

I crawl back to my bed and slither under the covers. I wish that I had never said yes to letting her have a bath in my room.

Because now I'm listening to her cry, pulling out clumps of her hair, trying to get clean.

"What am I going to do?" I whisper to myself.

And then I try to slide between the bottom sheet and the mattress. I want my life to be over.

"Jesse, if you're here… somewhere… please. Please, Jesse. Show me. Give me a sign." I know it sounds corny, but I'm on my last resorts here.

I smell smoke.

I sit up immediately and look around.

"What is this?" I whisper.

The candle, Jesse's candle lights.

My eyes widen.

"Jesse?" I whisper.

I walk over.

"Suze, blow your stupid candles out!" Brad yells. "I don't want the house smelling like Christmas Eve!"

I walk over and blow Jesse's candle.

But it dosent go out.

My eyes widen even bigger.

"Jesse?" I whisper.

I blow again. Nothing happens.

The window flys open. I swing my head over. I run and shut it quickly. But the wind howls through the cracks.

_Keer eed drrahn_… The wind says. _Keer eed drrahn…_

It keeps saying that.

And then I realize.

It isn't Keereeddrrahn.

Its Querida.

And now I'm scared. "Jesse, stop playing games and just come here!!" I yell. The candle goes out and the wind stops blowing.

I am about to fall asleep again. My face is tear streaked again.

"You called." A voice says, and I spin around.

Oh God.

Great God.


	9. Chapter 9

I am so frightened that I fall backwards and tumble on my bed.

"Oh my god…. Is that you?"

He nods.

"Jesse." I whisper. I run over to him and try to hug him, but a strong force pushes me onto the bed.

"Don't!!" He yells. "Don't!"

Ouch, that hurt.

"Do you not like me anymore?" I ask weakly. He paces back and forth in front of my bed.

"You don't know how much," He whispers. "I like you."

I stand up. "Well then why wont you touch me?" I ask, reaching for his hand. His eyes widen and a force pushes me back. Again.

"I said don't!" He yells angrily.

I scrunch my eyebrows together. "Jesse, will you please explain this to me?"

He nods and then continues to pace.

"My reason for moving on. As a ghost."

I nod briefly.

"Was that the girl I loved, with all my heart, married me. And not some…" He stopped himself.

"I know, Jesse." I hold up the ring.

"But _also,_" An also? "That she wanted to marry me, and it wasn't by force. She had to want to marry me, with all her heart and soul."

Oh God. I feel my stomach turning.

"And you don't, do you?" He whispers.

I bite my lip. "Of course I want to marry you!!" I burst. "I love you, Jesse, with all my heart, and all my soul…"

"You said two things!!!" He yells, his voice filled with anger. Then he lowered his voice to a hiss. "That made me sure you never wanted to see me again."

"Like what?" I ask, leaning back in my chair. This could be interesting.

"You said, ' I should have just given back the ring.'"

Oh, God.

I did, didn't I?

My eyes fill with tears.

"And you said, loud and clear, that you hated me."

"I did not!" I yell.

But its coming back to me now…. In the shower. Oh, no. Damn conditioner!

He looks at me.

"So now. Because I did marry the girl I loved with all my heart and soul, I moved on. But when things changed around, and my business remained _undone,_ I had the thin, thin option of coming here."

"Why was it so thin?" I asked hoarsly.

"Because." He hisses, "You're not supposed to go up there, and come back down. Once you're there, you're there. No back and forth _merde_ like you and that _perra_ tried earlier."

"English." I say, only trying to get him angry now.

I had my Jesse back.

"You don't want the English." Jesse said under his breath.

"Why are you so mad?" I whisper. "We used to love eachother."

"We still do." He says understandingly. "I mean, I still do. But the thing is…"

He pauses. "What?"

"We cannot be together."

My heart sinks. "Yes, yes we can, Jesse. Come by at night, we can talk. We don't have to touch. We just… we need to be together."

A tear falls from Jesse's face.

"I'll miss holding your hand." He whispers. "Touching any human was forbidden the guidelines for coming down here. Other wise they might… _die,_ I suppose."

I swallow. "Are there any… exceptions?"

"Well… if you touch on a full moon, then you wont die until morning."

"Then lets do it." I say immediately.

"Do _what,_ Susannah?"

"If I die, then I'll be with you. Forever. And we can hold eachother and kiss eachother… we wouldn't have a thing to worry about, like prom dates or school work. I would give up this life for a life with you."

He stands up. "Don't be ridiculous."

I breathe in. "I want to. Please."

He pauses, looking me over. "I'm not cutting you short of your childhood, Susannah."

"I'm a married woman." I say, holding up my finger.

"What about having children, grandchildren…"

"Oh my God!" I yelled annoyed. "Any thing you say is not going to change my mind!"

He swallows. "Fine. Full moon is…" He looks at my calendar taped on the wall. "Tommorow." He squeaks. "We're waiting for next month."

"No!" I say immediately. "No, way. Tommorow."

He closes his eyes and then opens them. "Fine. Tommorow."

I nod.

"I have so much to do." I whisper, running for my jacket.

"Where are you going?"

I grab my credit card. Theres a thousand dollars from the summer still on there… yes.

"Shopping. You're coming."

He shakes his head. "Count me out, querida. I am really tired. I'll be back tomorrow, I promise." He starts fading away.

"Come back tomorrow!!" I yell.

He nods.

And then I push open the door, and run to all the late open stores.

Shopping spree.

-- -- - --- -- -- -

I threw all the bags on my bed.

Mom's bag. I pick it up and walk over to her room.

"Mom?" I ask, knocking on the door. "Mom!!"

I'm scared. I push open the door.

"Mom, mom!" I run over to her. She is sprawled out on her bed. Her fragile eyes are closed. "Mom!!"

Andy runs in. "Oh…" He says, running over. "Asleigh, **(I don't know if the mom has a name. )** Ashleigh!!"

I fall back. I already know.

The room is spinning. I have to get out of there.

My mother's dead body was here.

---

I still feel bad about my mother.

I do.

I really, really do.

But I am still excited. I mean, after tonight, me, my mom, my dad, and Jesse could all sip martinis around festive decorations, right?

Now what to wear.

I decide on a black dress, with lace coming from the waist. It looks kind of dark, but hey, it fits the occasion. I wear my black prada slides. Again.

I fix my hair so it's mostly all up.

This is my prom.

Jesse said he had a few things planned. I love him.

We decided on the look out point, for a location. Not the cliff, the beach part.

I take one last look in the mirror and realize.

It's the last time I'll look in the mirror again.

---

I sit on the beach, waiting for him to show up.

As the sun falls behind the ocean, he appears next to me.

"Hi Susannah." He whispers.

"Hi Jesse."

We sit there looking at eachother. He smiles.

"What?" I ask. "Is the lace too much?"

"Take off your shoes, Susannah." I look down.

"Whats wrong with my shoes?"

He bends down and takes them off himself.

"We're at a beach." He whispers. But his voice is louder then the wind. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

I realize he means touching me.

I nod.

"For the last night I lie, I want to lie with you." I whisper.

"This dosent have to be the last night." He whispers.

"I know." I look at the ocean. "But I want it to be."

He looks at my feet.

"I have something." He says. He walks over to a rock and picks up two things. He slides them behind his back.

"What?" I whisper.

"First, a rose." He hands me a red rose. "For love." He whispers.

I smile and smell it. Beautiful.

"And now," He says in a deep voice. "I now present you, our new prom queen." He finishes it off by placing a tiara on my hair. He runs his finger down my chin.

And then I know that's it.

He touched me.

I would be dead by morning.

I felt… excited.

"Do you…" Jesse whispers. "Have an idea on what you would like to do now?"

I smile. "Maybe just… talk." I whisper. I run up to him and kiss him.

He holds my waist. His hands aren't really there, but I feel them all the same.

And, well… you can guess what happens next.


	10. Chapter 10

I remember waking up in the middle of the night feeling sick. _Really _sick.

My face is burning. I wake up, with my dress loosely hanging on my shoulders. I reach my hand towards my face. I see Jesse sleeping soundly next to me. I sit up quickly, looking around. I gather information around me. _Im on the beach. _I look at Jesse. I realize that I am going to be sick, and for a split second, I think I'm going to throw up all over Jesse.

I scramble up to my feet, running along the sand, feeling the soft move of the grains, tracing my foot steps. I finally hold my stomach, bend over, and throw up all over the rocks.

I guess Jesse heard me, because he woke up and appeared quickly by my side.

"Querida." He whispered. "What happened?"

I shook my head and pulled back my hair. "I don't… I don't know."

"Are you going to… are you going to be alright?"

I stood up, unbending myself.

"I'm fine." I say horsely to Jesse, walking over to the ocean to clean myself up.

"Your eyes are red, Querida. Are you sure you aren't sick?"

"I'm sure." I whisper, wiping my mouth. "It was probably a one time thing. I feel a lot better."

He squatted next to me. His pants hung loosely around his waist. "Are you sure?"

"I am sure, Jesse." I say assuringly, and then turn to wash my face again.

"You don't look fine."

I pause, I look at him. "What do you mean?"

"You're eyes are bloodshot. Your face," He grazed his finger down my chin. "It's so pale, querida. Your entire figure is like a candle. Fragile and white."

I held his hand firmly. "Nothing is wrong. I feel fine."

He pulled me up on my feet. I must admit, I felt slightly dizzy, but I didn't look upon the matter.

I looked in his eyes. The same eyes who had seen all of me just a few hours ago. Who watched Jesse pull up my dress swiftly and carefully, stroked my hair, kissed my lips. Softly and gently, for a few seconds before…

You know what?

No.

_I remember him resting his head on my shoulders, making sounds I never heard him say before. Spanish, most likely. And then I saw, his hair…_

"_Jesse, you're hair, it's wet. You're sweating."_

_He came up breathing steadily. "What?" He said breathelessly._

_I reached my hand up to his hair. "This. You're sweating."_

_He shook his head. "Impossible." He whispered. But he knew I was right. "What is happening, querida? Do you feel okay?"_

"_I'm fine." I whispered, kissing his cheek._

"_Because…if I'm sweating…"_

"_We're both alive." I whispered. "For just a few moments, together."_

"_Impossible." He said again. But two and two came together… and he didn't say anything else._

"Are you looking at me with love or lust?" Jesse asked, looking through my eyes, searching for my soul. "Whatever happened last night… It's still just me, querida."

"Love, Jesse." I answered. "And I know." I held his hand tightly and kissed him on the lips.

"Your lips are cold." He whispered, alarmed for a moment.

"Do you think it's happening?" I asked nervously. "Am I really dying, Jesse? It's barely morning."

"Don't be afraid." He whispered. "We'll be together soon."

"We are together." I whimpered, with a tiny tear spurting itself out of my eye.

"I know." He tightened his grip on my hand. "We'll always be. Forever."

"Forever," I repeated.

My eyelids began to get very heavy, as though someone were shutting them by force. I reached my hand up to rub my eyes and I looked at it. My hand, I mean.

It was horrible. My hand was like a skeleton with skin taped to it. I could see the blue veins sticking out of it, the bones sticking out unnaturally.

I let out a mix between a gasp and a sob. "I look horrible!!" I said, crying.

Jesse shook his head quickly. "No. No, no, no. You look beautiful. You always have, you always will."

I continued to sob. "Oh, Jesse. I feel so… breakable. I cant even walk…" I took a step and collapsed on the sand. I continued to sob.

"Susannah!" Jesse flew down beside me. He grabbed my shoulders. "You might have broken something." He pulled my leg. "Does that hurt?"

I shook my head. "I cant feel anything, Jesse. I cant even feel your breath."

He looked really scared now. He shook my shoulders. "Could you feel that?" I shook my head again. "Close your eyes." I did as I was told. "Could you feel that?" I opened my eyes.

"I told you Jesse, I cant feel anyth-" I screamed. Blood was dripping down my arm.

"You felt that?" He said alarmed. I sobbed loudly.

"No!! Whats going on??"

The beach got very light. I looked around. The sun was rising.

"This is it, Susannah. Something is happening now."

"I'm dying?" I asked, my voice shaking. He nodded briefly.

"Don't worry." He whispered. "I'm here. I'll always be here." He held my hand.

I closed my eyes for a long time.

"Susannah, open your eyes." He whispered in my ear.

I slowly opened them. I saw light all around me.

"Where are we?" I whispered.

He smiled a little. "Susannah…"

"Where are we??"

"Susannah, I think… I think…" I waited. "I think we're in heaven, Susannah."


	11. Chapter 11

I quickly held up my hand.

It was beautiful. Like I had dumped a whole bottle of lotion on it the night before.

I was wearing the Verra Wang dress I had on the night before, but my feet were still bare.

"Jesse." I whispered. "Look at me." I saw my fingernails were painted a light red. I looked up to see Jesse, delight in my eyes, and then I saw him.

His brown eyes had a black outline around them that I could see clearly. His hair was slightly ruffled on top of his head, and he smiled like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

"Jesse, I'm finally beautiful." I whispered. Everything about me, was perfect, for once. Even my legs, were slimmer looking.

"Susannah." He leaned towards my ear. "You were always beautiful."

He kissed my hair and then stood back up straight. He reached for my hand and held it. I felt like crying. It was so devastating, dying, but it was so… perfect.

There were little clouds starting to form under my feet. They licked my heels and skipped around me and Jesse like we were some festive pole, or something.

"Do you have to believe in God to go to heaven?" I whispered, becoming quite nervous. "Because I never did. Am I… Jesse, am I going to hell?"

He squeezed my hands. "They wont ever send you to hell, Susannah. You have done so much good."

"Who is they? Do they decide where I end up for the rest of eternity? Jesse, I really think I'm going to hell."

He pulled on my shoulder. "Do you feel pain, Susannah?" He asked.

I paused. "Uh, no."

"Do you feel beautiful?"

"Yeah." I whispered, twirling in my Verra Wang dress. "I do."

"Then you know you are going to heaven. Don't worry about it. We are going to spend eternity, together."

I was just about ready to cry in joy.

"Suze." We both turned to the deep voice.

"Dad!" I burst, running over and wrapping my arms around him. "Dad."

"Oh, Suze, what happened." He whispered. "Why are you here so soon?"

I cried a bit on his shoulder. "Oh dad."

Jesse stood behind us.

"Suze, what happened?" He asked again. "Was there a crash? Is your mother okay?"

I pulled back. "Mom? I thought she was… she was here."

Dad looked in my eyes. "No, Suze, she's not here."

I had a look of fear in my eyes. "Oh my god."

"She came close to coming here the other day… she was running low on meds, or something, and they had to take her back to the hospital. But she's fine now, I mean, she's looking all over for you in grief."

I felt sick. "W-what?"

"Susannah, please. Will you tell me how you died?"

I closed my eyes. I held my face in my hands and wept. "Oh my God." It was like my mom dying all over again.

Jesse appeared quickly by my side. "Something is wrong with our plan." He whispered.

"Yes!!" I wailed. "Yes there is!! I haven't thought this over, Jesse!! Why did you let me do this?? I want to be alive, Jesse! I want to be alive!"

My dad sat next to me. "Susannah. I can help you." We both looked up.

"You can?" We asked in unsion.

"Yes. I have a little bit of power, from when I first died. I can use it anyway I want, apparently. But it is forbidden to make people alive again." He paused. "But I would risk this entire place for you, Susannah."

"No." I whispered. "Don't."

"I want to." He said back. "But I don't have much left. I can only…" he sighed. "I cant send you both back."

I looked at him devestatedly. "So…" I said hoarsely. "I either live without Jesse… or die to be with him?"

Jesse held my hand. "Querida." He whispered. "Go."

I shook my head. I had a feeling that I wasn't looking as glamourous. "I cant live without you, Jesse."

He held my hand. "You can. You _can_ live, Susannah. I saw you. You are strong. You need to be there for your family. Please. Do it for me. We will meet another day. I promise."

"Promise?" I whispered.

"I promise."

I closed my eyes. "Just do it." I said bitterly, and then the clouds disappeared and the lights went away.


	12. Chapter 12

I woke up on the beach. I looked around. I saw police lights over the cliff.

"Susie!!" I heard my mom yell. "Susie!!"

"Suze!!" I heard Brad yell. "Suze!!"

I sat up. "Mom!!" I yelled back. "Mom!!! Mom, I'm here!! I'm here!!"

I heard people running down. Jake, David…

There was a huge pain in my leg and my arm was bleeding. "I'm here!!" I yelled again. And I screamed in pain.

"Suze!!" David ran over. "Suze!!" He ran up to me. Jake and him took one of my arms and helped me walk over to a nearby ambulance.

"Jesse." I whispered. And then I yelled. "Jesse!!"

------------------------------------

5 years later

-

Not a lot of people get better from cancer. We all doubt that my mother will get completely well, but she is improving a lot over the years. The doctors all predicted that she would last two years. She's still alive and well, 5 years later. She is a spokes person for family's with cancer everywhere. We are all proud and supportive, and we love her more then anything.

We all go over to Andy and her house every Tuesday for one of his meals at his restaurant. Brad always brings his wife, Debbie, and Jake always brings his, Caitlyn. David brings his girlfriend sometimes, but most of the time his stag. It dosent matter though, because his girlfriend is usually bored by his stories about work as an engineer.

As for me? Well, I'm in medical school, a few miles away from Carmel. I'm on my second year, and life couldn't be better. I listened to Jesse finally, and I have began to move on, knowing I'll meet him again someday. I have a new boyfriend, from school. His name is Lukas Beauregard Kasandoar. We've been going out for almost an entire year.

-

"Hey Suze," Luke asked from the desk across mine. "Whats this?" He held up a box.

I looked over and shrieked. I fell right off my chair.

"Suze?" He peered around his desk and laughed a bit. "You alright?"

"I'm fine." I said breathlessly. "Where, where did you find that?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. In this bigger box, stuff you said that I could have. You know, your brothers old stuff."

"You cant have that." I said quicky, reaching for the box.

"Whats in it?" He asked, standing up out of his chair.

I sat on the bed and traced my finger over the lid. "Its… stuff my stepdad found in the backyard a couple of years ago."

He sat next to me. "Like hidden treasure?" He joked.

"Ha, ha." I opened the lid. The letters from Maria were pressed to the bottom of the box, because lying there was Jesse's portrait. "Oh my god." I whispered.

"What, what is it?" He looked over my shoulder.

"It's… It's…"

"Hey, I know him." Luke leaned back.

"You do?" I asked.

"Mhm. That's… Hector, right? Hector De Silva?"

My throat got dry. "Yeah." I said. I closed my eyes and straightened myself out.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, Luke."

"Somethings wrong. You nervous for the exam?" I opened my eyes.

"What?"

"The exam. We have an exam. I thought you were studying."

I sat up quickly. "Shit." I whispered. I stood up and ran over to my desk.

"Hey, Suze, relax. You got this down, right? It's your best subject, isn't it?"

"Oh, oh, oh right." I calmed down. "I just really don't want to fail anything."

He walked over and wrapped his arms around me. "You wont fail. I swear." He kissed my hair. "I have something for you, Suze. Close your eyes." I did. "You might think this is a little weird, or rushed, or both, but I have to do it or I am going to explode."

"Okay." I whispered, a little confused.

"Susannah Simon." He whispered. "I love you, will all that I am. With all that I will ever be, with all that I ever was." I felt a cold metal touch my finger. "Open your eyes, Susannah."

I did. A ring was sitting on my finger.

"Marry me, Susannah?"

I felt sick. I stared at him, horrified. The memories of Jesse flew back to me and hit me in the face.

"Shit." He whispered, and looked away.

A tear fell off my face. "Luke, I'm sorry." I whispered. "I love you, so much, Luke, but I cant…" I bit my lip. "I never told you this, Luke. But…" I pulled Jesse's ring out of my pocket. "I'm already married."

He looked in my eyes. It looked as if I had stabbed him in the heart. "Y-you… You didn't forget."

I looked strangely at him. "Forget what, Luke? What are you talking about?"

Luke smiled, and held my shoulders. "Cant you see, Susannah?"

"See what?!" I yelled back, frightened.

"It's me! It's me, Jesse!" I broke from his grasp.

"Shut up, Luke, you don't know what you're talking about."

"Susannah, please!" I turned away and started heading for the door. "Susannah!!"

"Leave me alone!" I screamed, pushing open the door.

"Susannah!!"

I looked back once, to see Luke holding his head. "You're sick, Luke!" And then I flew out the door, running as fast as I could back to Carmel.

---------

I sat on the bus. Looking out the window, watching the cars fly by.

"Where are you running to, Suze?" I jumped, and then looked over to the voice. Adam was sitting next to me. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going home." I said, my voice shaky as if I wasn't sure.

"Why? I heard you were in Med school up north."

"I was, Adam." I looked back out the window. "I still am. I just need to go home for a while."

"Why?" He moved to the seat next to mine.

Tears started streaming down my face. "I'm confused." I said. "I'm so, so, confused."

He leaned his head against the window. "You can tell me, Suze."

I sighed, and then sobbed a little. "Luke proposed."

Adam nodded. "Are you two getting married?"

I shook my head. "That's the thing, Adam. I'm already a married woman." I showed him my ring.

"To who?" He whispered.

"To Jesse." I cried a little at the sound of his name. "And Luke.. when he heard this, he made a joke out of it… and he just isn't letting it go. He keeps telling me that he is Jesse. And it hurts too much to be around him."

Adam looked at my shoes. "I see."

"Its so great to see you." I laughed a little at my approach. I wiped my eyes. "Its been a long time."

"Too long." He agreed. "Is there anything I can do, Susannah?"

I looked in his eyes. They were filled with sympathy.

"Thank you, Adam, but I don't think so."

He looked in my eyes. I felt something warm against my hand. I looked down and saw that he was holding it. He reached his other hand up and pushed the hair out of my face. He used the same hand to push my head towards his, and then I closed my eyes and let him kiss me.

It felt a little strange, kissing Adam. Like I was doing something wrong. I pulled back and looked at the ground.

"Sorry." He whispered, looking the other way.

"Don't be." I whispered.

"I just… Susannah." He sighed deeply.

"Don't explain." I said softly. I reached my hand up and used it to push his head closer to mine. And we kissed again.


	13. Chapter 13

Eventually the bus came to a stop. Adam looked at me, nodded kind of sheepishly, and then said, "Suze, call me some time, okay? I live a little bit around here, but I have the same number."

I nodded. "I will, Adam."

He stood up. "Swear?"

"I swear." I said, my voice kind of breaking.

He started walking. "Bye, Suze."

"Good bye Adam." The doors opened and he stepped over.

Suddenly I felt a crash of sadnesss, too strong to stop by myself. It was like Jesse dying, again, but he hadn't. He was somewhere, out there… He was in heaven.

Even knowing all that, I burst into tears. It was like I couldn't control myself anymore. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably into my hands, my heart throbbing.

"Hey lady, you okay?" The driver asked from the front seat.

"I'll be fine," I yelled back, wiping my eyes.

"You sure?"

I ignored her. I stood up quickly. "Stop!" I yelled. "Stop the bus!!" I ran to the front. "Open the doors!! Open them!!"

The bus came to a slow stop and the doors swung open. I jumped out onto the sidewalk.

"Adam!!" I yelled after him. His dark coat was facing the other way from me. "Adam!!"

He turned around. "Suze?" He turned.

"Adam!" I yelled. He turned from me. I looked at him, strangely for a moment. "Adam!"

He started walking faster, and once there was a clearing, he sprinted. I ran quickly after him. "Adam!!!"

I chased behind him. He raced past the highway, me running behind him. Finally he stopped, underneath a bridge. He scaled the bricks and stood on top of the path which I was standing on.

"Adam!" I yelled again.

He looked down at me. For a spilt second I thought it wasn't Adam, but I looked through his eyes, and I saw the person I knew.

But they were so filled with pain, with hurt, with anger.

I collapsed on my knees. Sadness crept over me. "Adam!!" I yelled with some of my last strength.

He looked down. He glared at me with angry spirit, and then collapsed to his knees on the bridge. "What is this place?" He whispered.

I breathed in deeply. "I don't know, Adam." I said weakly up to him. "Why did you run here?"

"I had to get you to come here."

My chest raised up and down quickly to race against my heart. "Why did you want me to come here?" I whispered, and to my horror, tears fell down my cheek.

"I used to come here, all the time, Suze. I came here to relax, to watch people run by on their bikes, or on their rollerblades. It always made me so… I don't know… happy. Now everytime I come here I get filled with dread, with anger, with sadness."

"What does this have to do with me?"

Adam breathed for air awkwardly. "I had a dream!" He yelled over his crashing lungs. "About you, Suze. About us. It was about this place. The dream said, that I would always feel great sadness whenever I came here. They said the only person who can tell me why… Is you."

I coughed. "I don't know what you're talking about!" I yelled, my voice weak from running. "I don't know anything about this place!"

He shook his head. "You have to!! They said that there was a great suffering here, a great death, so much pain and greif that only you have expirenced! You have to remember, Suze!! Why cant you remember?"

I shook my head back. "I'm sorry Adam!! I don't know!"

He stood up. The sun sat neatly behind his ear. The ocean rushed behind him. "You have to!" He yelled.

I looked around. "I have never been here before, Adam. I'm so sorry."

He held his head. Then he looked up. "Wait."

I looked in his eyes. "What?"

"The dream. It said something else. It said… _murder. _Murder, Suze. Murder, Murder, murder!!" He jumped around on the bridge like he had discovered the cure for leprosy. "Come on, Suze. Think!! It said you witnessed a murder!! Here!!"

I looked horrified. "What are you talking about?"

"Around here, somewhere. Look. Look all around you."

I looked to my left. Nothing. I looked to the right. Nothing. I looked back at Adam, standing on the bridge to tell him what I saw, uh, nothing, when I _did_ see something.

I fell right back and screamed. "Oh my god." I whispered, and then sprinted the other way.

"Suze, wait!!" Adam yelled. I hear his shoes pound on the pavement.

Because I saw something that would haunt me forever.

I saw the cliff, with magical colours of purple and blue, over looking the ocean.

The magical cliff,

Where Jesse was murdered.


	14. Chapter 14

I sprinted as fast as I could away from that bridge. I looked back and saw that Adam was chasing me.

"Suze!!" He screamed, picking up his pace, despite that we had already gone through a chase just a few seconds earlier. "Suze, just tell me whats wrong!!"

I shook my head, the tears flying off my face and getting tossed to the wind.

"Son of a.." I heard him hiss under his breath, and then I heard his heavy, but steady footsteps gaining on mine. "Suze, just… stop so…. We can talk like….civalized people…"

"I cant talk!!" I screamed, and then sprinted far away.

"But you will." He said, and then his strong arms wrapped around my body and tackled me to the side of the path in the forest.

It took me a moment to get over the shock. I had been ripped off my course and flown into the air… figertavely and literally.

His arms were still around me when we were lying on the grass. "Suze!!" He yelled, exhausted. "Just talk to me!!!"

I sobbed for a bit, and then dug my head into his shoulder. "Oh, Adam." I whispered. He didn't let go of me. In fact, his arms seemed to relax, hold my waist, just lying on the grass. "What is going on?" I whispered.

His dark hair covered his eyes. His eyes were dark too, not as dark as Jesse's, but just a bit lighter, with a black outline.

He answered me, eventually. "Only you can answer that, Suze." He whispered. "I'm always here if you're ready to tell me."

I wiped my eyes, kind of awkwardly because he was still holding me, and then he let go quickly, and looked at the ground. I sat up and put my knees up to my chin.

"I don't know if I can even tell myself, Adam. I cant come to the truth."

He sat up and looked at me with great concern. "What are you thinking about, Suze?" He asked after a while.

I sighed. I closed my eyes and set my mouth against my jeans. "Jesse." I whispered.

"Do you miss him?"

I swallowed my tears and nodded. "I do, Adam. I miss him a lot."

He pressed his lips together. "Please don't cry, Suze." He whispered.

"Sorry." I whispered, wiping my eyes.

"No, I'm not offended." He said, looking at me with a straight gaze. "Never. It's just that… Suze, in highschool you… you _never_ cried. You were so strong, Suze. You held yourself together, you had so much control."

I looked at him back, with what I hoped was a steady gaze too. "I have control." I whispered.

"I didn't say that you don't have control." He explained, looking at my hands wrapped around my legs. "I'm saying that you shouldn't cry anymore. You should be strong for him, you should save your tears for happiness, for joy. Don't throw them away for someone who isn't here anymore."

He reached for my hand. I took it carefully, like he wasn't sure.

"Because Jesse isn't here." He whispered. "I don't want to be mean, Suze. But he isn't here. You'll meet him someday, I promise, in heaven, or in the afterlife… Whatever you believe, Suze. But you will meet him again. Your paths will cross. And you can show him how successful you were in life, how strong you were for him."

"He'll be so upset." I whispered.

"No." He shook his head. "No, not at all. He'll be… he'll be so…_proud,_ Suze. He'll be so proud of you."

I looked in his eyes. No, I looked through them. I was searching for sense, searching for meaning. "Are you sure?" I whispered.

He nodded. "The Jesse I met at the dance, will be proud of you. I promise."

His hand slid from my hand to my hair again. He pushed me towards him and we kissed, again, at the side of the road. My legs unfolded themselves from my face and sprawled out next to Adam's.

I felt his foot touch mine. I wanted to open my eyes and look, you know, make sure it was him and not some dog with rabies. But I didn't want to break the moment, just me, Adam, the sound of cars driving by.

We had been kissing for maybe two minutes when something came to mind… the last person I kissed was Luke.

I pulled away quickly from Adam. I covered my mouth. "I'm sorry!" I said, looking away. "I cant."

He shifted closer to me. "Suze, what do you mean?"

"I cant…" I sighed. "I cant stop thinking about Jesse." He looked deep in my eyes.

"Don't think about him." He whispered. "Look in my eyes, Suze."

I obeyed.

"Breathe in," I rolled my eyes. He grabbed my chin. "Suze, just do it. Breathe in." I inhaled. "Don't close your eyes." I opened them. "Breathe out." I exhaled deeply. "Now focus, okay? Jesse isn't here. He hasn't been here for almost six years. You're over him."

"No." I whispered.

"Yes." He said, continuing. "Please, Suze. Be over him."

I looked through his eyes.

"I love you." He whispered, biting his lip. He looked over to the forest. "I always have."

I shook my head. "What about Cee?" I whispered. "I thought… I thought you liked her. You loved her."

He scoffed a bit. "No, I never loved her. Highschool plays tricks on people, Susannah Simon. You don't know who you love until its too late. Like Jesse." He whispered. "And Cee."

I swallowed. "I thought… I thought that…"

"Nevermind, Suze." He whispered. "Me and Cee have been done, we have for a long time."

"But that's not fair for her." I said quickly. "It would break her heart if she found out what we're doing."

"Shh…" He whispered, and then stood up. "I told you to drop it, Suze. It doesn't matter." I stood up next to him.

"It may not matter to you." I whispered, my voice edgy. "But it matters to me. And it matters to Ceecee. And it should definitely matter to you, Adam." I stood up and walked along the road.

I straightened out my jacket. It was wrinkly from the position I was sitting in. My pants were covered in dirt, so I brushed them off too.

"Suze, wait." He ran up to me. "Cant we talk about this?"

"No." I said shortly.

"I thought we could trust eachother, Suze, I thought we were really close."

"We were." I said, stopping and looking at him. "But something came to mind, Adam. It's called _common sense._ I have some. I know that we can never… _ever_ be together, but you just don't get it, do you?"

He looked at me with heartbreak in his eyes. "Suze, I…"

"Please, Adam. I don't want to talk to you right now." I continued walking. I know it was harsh. But he totally deserved it, for the fact that he was coming on to me.

"Suze, wait." He called. I ignored him. He ran up to catch me. "Okay, I know I fucked up, okay? I know that. But Suze, please, cut me some slack. I've been trying to track you down since highschool."

I looked at him strangely. "What?"

"I went to your house every night, I tapped on your window, I opened them one time when I saw that you were lighting candles."

I looked at him horrified. "_You_ were the one who opened the window?" I whispered. He nodded.

"Why? Who else would have?"

I choked. "I thought it was Jesse's ghost." I confessed.

He laughed a little. "Jesse's _ghost?_ What are you, the fifth ghostbuster?" He cracked up at himself.

I looked at him for a second, and then took my left finger and slapped him across the face. "You're sick, Adam." I hissed. He held his face, crying out in pain.

"Jesus, Suze!!"

"Goodbye, Adam." I whispered, walking away.


	15. Chapter 15

**Again, I apoligize 4 the gap.. hehe, I used the number 4 instead of the word for!!! I am such a rebel.**

**Adios**

**---------**

I swallowed the fear that had gathered up inside my mouth.

"Suze, don't be like that!" I heard Adam yell from behind me.

"Leave me alone, Adam!" I yelled back, voice slightly shaking from anger.

"I wont!" He yelled, running up to my side. "I will chase you, Susannah Simon, untile these feet disinagrate into the ground. I will run after you, always Susannah. Because you need someone to look after you. To protect you."

I looked in his eyes. His dark matted hair swung in front of them. "Adam, you know I cant say no to you."

He smiled.

"And that is exactly why I am walking away." I said sharply, continuing to walk.

Adam straightened his posture and kept walking. "Suze? Suze." He held his cheek. "Suze, you made me feel things… I didn't know I could feel anymore. This day… this day was worth my entire life chasing you. Because Suze, that's what I have been doing my whole life, chasing you. Following you. Wanting you."

I was touched, truly, I was. "Thank you Adam, but all the time you were chasing me, I was chasing someone else. Some one not by the name of Adam."

"Who, by the name of Jesse De Silva? Honestly. How far do you think you could go with that guy? He was in college. A college boy. They don't last with highschool girls."

My eyes bulged out of my head. "You don't know what you're talking about, me and Jesse are different!"

"Were different." He corrected. "Jesse is dead."

"Shut up, boy."

"Anyways, how are you two different? He probably would only want you until he could get inside your pants. Thern he would dump you faster then a sack of hot potatoes."

I looked shocked for a moment. "Me and Jesse were different!!" I yelled. "Look at this!!" I pointed to my left hand, showing Adam the sparkling diamond ring Jesse had given me when I was in highschool.

He raised his eyebrows, grinning. "What?"

I looked at my left hand.

My ring.

My ring was gone.

"Oh my god." I whispered. My heart was leaping for my throat. I felt like I was going to burst into tears. "Oh my god."

"What?" He asked, wiping the grin off his face and spreading a new, concerned one on.

"My ring." I whispered. "My engagement ring."

"What?"

"It must have fallen off when I hit you." I explained quickly, running over to where Adam was standing.

Or where I thought he was standing.

Or maybe it was where he was standing.

"Where is it?!?" I yelled, looking franticly around. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god…"

Adam walked slowly up behind me. "Suze…" He whispered. He wrapped his strong arms around my small body. I felt like shoving him off, but I collapsed in them instead. I was like a piece of paper in a school room, being crumpled and ripped apart.

I hung off of Adam crying for a long time. I don't know how long, but it must have been pretty long, because I fell asleep, and Adam carried me, in his arms, all the way to his house.

Adam had a _house._

-

I woke up, rubbing my eyes, looking around.

I was in a bed… In the shape of a shell. Like one of those giant clams at the bottom of the sea. Yeah, that. And there was this lace curtain hanging around it. It had sort of the, goth… depressing, type.

"Adam?" I whispered. "Adam, are you here?"

He walked in with a backwards baseball cap on. "There you are." He said, smiling.

I squinted. "What am I doing here?"

He walked over and pulled the curtain back. Without answering the question, he leaned down and kissed me.

He pulled back after a short peck, no tounge… thank god, I couldn't imagine my morning breath… and then smiled. "Good morning, Suze." He said sweetly. "Band is over. Want to hear us play?"

I looked kind of pequliarly at Adam. "What the hell went through your head last night, Adam?" I whispered.

He smiled again. "That's a yes? Good. Because we set up around this bed."

I looked around and saw some other people standing around, holding instruments.

"What are you supposed to be?" I said tonelessly, looking blankly at the people around me.

"That's my band." Adam said again, picking up a guitar and stepping towards the microphone. "You like the Beatles?" He asked, smiling again.

"Uh, I guess." I said blankly, not sure what to say to all the other guys around.

"Good." They all said together. "What song?" They all asked in unsion.

"Surprise me." I grumbled, laying back down.

"One, two, three four. Yea-h. Tell you something, I think you'll understand. When I say that something, I want to hold your hand, I wanna hold your hand, I wanna hold your hand. Oh please, baby, please, you'll let me be your man. And please, say to me, you'll let me hold your hand, I wanna hold your hand. I wanna hold your hand."

I looked at the band like they had played the most beautiful thing in the world.

Because, really, no one has really sung for me before.

Other then Jesse, but that didn't really come to mind.

"Wow." I breathed.

"Suze," Adam breathed. "I wanna ask you something."

I nodded briefly, not enough to mean yes, but more like a, _continue_ nod.

"I lied. I don't want to ask you something. I just want to say… well… I love you, Suze."

I closed my eyes. Not this again.

"Don't…" He breathed. "Don't do that, Suze." He looked with worried eyes. "Please…? Just… just say yes to me, Suze. Please say yes."

The other band memebers left quietly, tiptoeing to mostly insult me. I smirked in return.

"Your band members are assholes." I commented, watching as they shut the door.

"Uh, yeah. Suze?" He used his strong fingers to raise my head. "Suze."

"What."

"Is there something wrong?"

I paused and breathed in the fresh air. "Yeah, Adam. There is something wrong. I just… I don't know how to fix it."

"I do." He whispered. "You just gotta let people in, Suze." He kissed my ear. I listened closely. "Let me in."

And then, me and Adam, got to exactly, second base right there in his little clam-bed.

After everything that we had gone through the day before, it was all suddenly forgotten, and I… well… _almost…_ let him in.

The only other people who have taken me there are Jesse… and well… Luke. But Me and Luke both had an agreement on no sex before marriage… and…

Oh my god, Luke is a lot like Jesse.

You want to know what would be weird? If Luke really was Jesse. Imagine that.

Huh.

So I was lying there, with Adam pretty much on top of me, when it finally came to me.

"Oh my god!" I shrieked. Adam winced, and then covered his ears. "Oh, sorry." I whispered.

"No… uh… problem."

"Adam, I need to… I just…" But I couldn't tell him about Luke and Jesse. It would break his heart. This crazy love triangle… I mean… square… if there was four people… but tecnaqly there is only three because Jesse is dead… was tearing me apart.

He shook his head. He sat up and stepped on the edge of the bed. "You just need to what?" He asked, looking away.

"I'm just… I think…" I sighed. "I think I'm still in love with Luke, Adam." I whispered.

Adam turned. His eyes flickered. "What?" He whispered. His face looked as it was going to ignite into flames.

"I-I, I'm sorry, Adam… I…"

He held up his hand. "No."

I paused. "What?"

"I don't want to hear it, Suze. You can play this game all you want. But stop coming to me, okay? You're just… throwing yourself around at people, people you don't even know."

"I know you." I said, hurt a little.

"No, Suze, you don't. You don't know who I am. I am a completely different person then I was in highschool. You didn't even know me in highschool. No one did."

"You may be a different person…" I whispered, ready to burst into tears. "But I did know you through highschool. I knew you."

She shook his head, smiling bitterly. "No, Suze, you know what? You didn't. Okay?"

I folded my arms. "Why do you say that?"

"You don't know one thing about me."

I laughed. "Sure I do. You're just like every other guy in highschool. Cars and girls are all you think about."

He pointed at me. "See? That's where you're wrong. I didn't care about any of those things."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh really. Then what did you care about, Adam, that I had no idea about."

"I fought."

I paused for a second. I heard what he said, but it was taking a moment for it to calibrate through my head. "What?"

"Not just anyone, either. I fought _ghosts._"

"What are you talking about, Adam." I said tonelessly, trying to sound like I didn't believe in ghosts.

"You know all those fights you got into?"

"Ye-ah." I said cautiously.

"You didn't win them on your own." He sat up and walked towards the door. "Remember that the next time you decide to kiss someone you don't love."


	16. Chapter 16

I sat on my bus seat, straightening out my skirt and patting down my hair. My cell phone rang quietly in my pocket.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Suze."

Adams deep voice said on the other end.

"Hi." I said, kind of flustered at his call.

"Listen, Suze, I…"

"Adam, just drop it." I said desperately, not wanting to talk to him at all.

He sighed in the other end. "Where are you running to, Suze?"

"I'm not running anywhere." I said sharply. "I'm going home. To where I was in the first place."

"You're going back to Luke? Lukas Beauregard Kasandoar?"

I paused for a moment, and then spoke again. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing" He said quickly, clearing his throat. "I swear."

"It didn't sound like nothing."

"Just…" He sighed again. "I don't think that you love Luke, okay? I think that you love me."

I bit my lip. "Adam, you already told me. I never knew you." I closed my eyes and held my phone out in front of me. I could hear the tiny speaker at the top of the phone talking still, but I slipped my finger over the red button and pressed it hard.

"We were living in a childhood fantasy." I whispered to myself. "And now its time to wake up."

-

I walked in to the dorm. Luke was sitting at his computer chair, typing away furiously at his keyboard.

"Luke." I whispered, about ready to cry.

He spun around, standing up immediately. "Susannah." He whispered, running up to me and kissing me. I missed the feel of his lips. They always reminded me faintly of…

Jesse's lips.

I pulled away.

"Luke, I need to ask you something." I whispered, feeling sick to my stomach.

He stared down at me with his dark eyes.

A lot like Jesse's eyes.

"When you said… you said that…"

Luke placed his hand behind my head. "Susannah, where did you go?" He said under his breath, smiling a little.

I closed my eyes, tears ready to spurt out all over him. "Oh, Luke." I whispered, wrapping my arms around his head and placing my head on his shoulder.

He rocked me back and forth. "Don't cry, Susannah. Don't be sad."

He kept rocking slowly, back and forth, back and forth… until he finally whispered, "Its okay, Susannah. You go ahead and cry."

I knew it was Jesse.

I don't know if it was what he said, or all of the things just clicked.

But I knew now.

It was there.

And it was a good thing.

"Oh, Jesse…" I moaned, digging my face into his shoulder. "What took you so long?"

His arms around me tightened into a grasp. He kissed my hair. I sobbed uncontrollably into his shoulder.

"Querida." He whispered. "My beautiful querida."

He held my hand and I grabbed it tight. "Oh, Jesse." I whispered. "What happened to us?"

"Nothing." He whispered. "Everything is still the same."

I shook my head. "No." I sobbed. "No it isn't."

He nodded. I noticed tears speeding down his own cheeks. "No, it isn't, isn't it?"

"I want it to be the same." I whispered.

He grabbed my hand tighter. "Maybe things are better off…" He gasped a little for air. His words hung in the air.

"No." I whispered, stopping him from continuing. "Don't say it. We'll always be together, Jesse. I never forgot you." I was about to hold out my ring again, when I realized.

I had lost my ring. My ring was forgotten.

He pulled away. My shirt brushed up against his.

"You got rid of it." He said gravely, looking at my left hand.

I shook my head. "No." I whispered.

He closed his eyes. "Tell me that its in your pocket, Susannah." He whispered, tears running down underneath his closed eyelids. "Tell me that you put it in a safe place."

"I put it in a safe place." I said quietly.

Jesse closed his eyes tightly and then let them go back to being lightly shut. "T-tell me that you… tell me that you still have it."

"I still have it." I whispered.

He sniffed. "You don't have it, do you?" He whispered, tears coating his strong voice.

I sobbed a little. "I am so, so sorry, Jesse."

He looked away and took his hands off of my waist.

"It was an accident. An accident, Jesse, I promise you. I was telling some guy to leave me alone, and he… I mean, it just…" I sighed a little. "I'm so, so, sorry."

He shook his head. "No, no. Its… its okay, I guess."

I put my arms on his shoulders. "I still love you, Luke. I meant that."

He pulled back. "Luke." He whispered. "You called me Luke."

"Wh-" I stammered. "No I didn't!"

"You did." He continued. "You said, _I still love you, Luke._ Luke."

I threw my hands up at the celeing. "For Gods sake, Jesse, you look exactly like him!"

"I am him!!" He exploded. "Do you know how hard it was to get here??"

"I didn't mean it like that…"

"You are just ungrateful, you little…"

I screamed, throwing my hands over my ears. "Stop it!!" I yelled. "This isn't you!! I don't even know who you are anymore!!"

Luke…er… Jesse, looked through my eyes. "Susannah, I…"

"No!" I yelled. "That's enough! I want my old Luke back and I want him back _now!_"

He looked heartbroken, and then his expression freezed. "I thought you loved me."

"I did." I said, not blinking, tears blinding me. "But I was young, and stupid. And now I know that we can _never_ be together."

I was so cold. Jesse just looked down. "I guess this is goodbye, then."

I pressed my lips together. "You shouldn't have come back." I said under my breath. "I would have missed you."

Jesse closed his eyes. "_I'll_ miss you." He whispered, and then collapsed on the floor. I fell to my knees and wept into his hand.

"Jesse!!"


	17. Chapter 17

"Could someone tell me what this young mans diagnosis is?"

I raised my hand. "It could be salmonella, or allergies."

Someone in the front row laughed. Every one turned to the random outburst.

"This is obviously Lupus." He said casually, closing his textbook. "If people would stop jumping to conclusions…" He looked back at me, and then to the front of the lecture hall. "Then there would be less dead people, and more living ones."

I looked down, turning red as everyone turned to look at me.

"Well. Uh, _Lupus_ is correct." The professor said. The bell rang and everyone grabbed their things. "And Susannah? Could I see you at my desk, please?"

I bit my lip. Things didn't look good.

I walked up the aisle to his huge desk at the front of the room. "Hi." I half-whispered.

He looked up from his textbook. "Ah. Susannah Simon. I need to speak to you about your last test."

I closed my eyes. "I'm really sorry about that, professor, but I…"

"I don't want to hear excuses, Susannah."

I sighed. "Luke." I whispered.

He looked a little taken aback, and then relaxed in his chair. "Oh. Yes. I heard about that incident… in his uh… dormroom. And you were there."

I nodded. "Please just let me redo the test. I'll do better, I swear."

He looked through my eyes. "Susannah, take a break from medical school, alright? Maybe this wasn't meant to be. Maybe you should be pursuiting a different career. Like… fashion designing."

I took in a sharp draw of breath. "Professor, I-"

"Susannah, I guess I'm saying that if you stay here for much longer, you aren't going to graduate."

My heart was flying up to my throat. It was getting hard to breathe. "W-what?"

"I'll need the textbooks back, by next week."

I bit into my lip a little deeper. "I'm sorry you feel that way, professor, but this _is_ what I want to do."

He looked through some papers. "I got an annoynmynus call last night. From someone who knew you quite well. They said that you weren't coming here because it was your dream. They said that you came here because it was someone elses dream."

I was about ready to cry. Because that was exactly right.

"I would seriously consider your choices before drawing conclusions." He said sharply. "Now Susannah, go live _your_ dream. Whatever that might be." And he shut his textbook.

"Professor, I-"

"You're dismissed."

"But-"

"Dismissed!" He hissed, and then stood up, picked up his bag, and closed the door.

-

"Hello?" I said into the phone, folding up my clothes. I knew I didn't sound great. Because I looked terrible.

"Suze?" It was Andy.

"Andy. Hi."

"I think that you should come up this weekend." He said, his voice strong but shaky.

"Why?"

"Your mother. The cancer's back."

-

I walked off the train with both of my apple green travel bags, full of all my things.

I was back in Carmel, for sure, but now I was here for good.

I walked through the door to my house. "Hello?" I called through the house.

David walked up to me. His red hair had darkened to brown over the year. He let it grow out in front of his eyes.

"David!" I said happily, crying a little. I walked up to him and hugged him.

"Hi Suze." He said.

"What… your hair… and look… Look at you!" I burst, smiling and crying at the same time.

"You like it? I thought the red might have been better, but…"

"No! The brown is adorable!! And you grew it out… Just look at you!"

He laughed a little. "That's what Gina said."

I froze.

Wait, what?

"Gina?" I said again.

He nodded. "My fiancé. I think you know her already. She visited here to see you, and… well… you weren't here, and we.. fell in love, I guess." He smiled.

I tried to smile. "Gina?" I repeated. "She visited when I was in highshcool. Do you remember her? Does she still smoke?"

He shrugged. "Socially."

I held my head. "David, you're marrying _Gina?_"

"Suze, sorry. I didn't know you would feel that way. I know you two are friends, but if you don't want this to happen, I can just… call it off."

"No!" I said immediately. "You two are in love. Just…" I sighed. "You know I love you two. This is great."

He smiled. "Thanks, Suze. I knew you'd understand."

"Suze!!" Gina burst, running down the stairs. "Oh my god its been so long!" She hugged me. I hugged back, but I didn't feel very comfortable.

"Hey Gina."

"You got a boyfriend?" She asked, smiling.

I shook my head. "No."

"Oh no, its Valentines day, and you're stag for tonight."

What?

Today was Valentines day, wasn't it?

"Oh." I said weakly, kind of upset about the concept. "Yeah. I guess so."

"Everyones out tonight. I mean, Brads out with his girlfriend, as Jake, and Andy's taking Ashleigh out for dinner and then a night at a perfect little cottage hotel. It sounds awesome."

Wait a second, did Gina just call my mom by _her first name?_

"Oh." I said, smiling, fake. "That sounds… cool."

She paused, and smiled.

"What are you two going to do this Valentines day?" I asked, trying to be cheerful.

"Well, David has a surprise." Gina whispered, smiling. "God, I love him so much. He really filled out nicely, didn't he?"

Now, on my part, I think that it is uncomfortable to discuss my little brothers… er… stepbrothers 'filling out' matters, especially with my best friend.

Who likes him.

Who is getting married to him.

Oh, God.

"Sure." I said, weakly. "I'm uh, gonna go upstairs and unpack."

"Okay!" She said cheerfully, walking back over to David.

-

I looked through my old room.

Again.

I threw my bag on the bed and looked around.

"Susannah Simon." I whispered to myself, looking around. "Valentines day, and you have no date." I looked at the table. My eyes focused on a number scrawled on a piece of paper. "No date." I repeated.

I walked over to the table, picked up the number, and grabbed the phone. "Adam." I whispered.

-

We sat at the dinner table.

"Look Adam, I'm really sorry." I whispered, not making any eye contact.

"So." He said shortly, stirring his drink with a straw. "Did you ask me on a date because you were embarrassed about being stag on Valentines day, or do you really like me?"

"Both?" I whispered. I looked in his eyes, and then returned them to the table.

"That's an okay answer." He whispered. "I kind of like you too."

I smiled. "Same old Adam." I whispered.

"Same old Adam." He agreed.

I sighed. "So you knew about Jesse then. The whole time?"

He nodded, biting his lip. "You two really did make a cute couple." He laughed a little, and then realized I wasn't laughing, and stopped. "Sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"Just forget it." I said quickly. "He's gone anyways. I wasted all three of my chances."

He took a long drink. "Ceecee is pregnant." He said finally.

I looked up, shocked. "What?"

He nodded. "We went out for a while, actually. She got really pretty."

I smiled a little. "Really?"

He showed me a picture. "Yeah. Dyed her hair. Used some makeup. See how pretty she could be?"

I looked at the picture, her brown straight hair and her tanned skin. Her red lips and blue eyes.

"Wow." I whispered. "She looks different."

"She could have any guy after that." He whispered. "And I thought she chose me."

I paused. "Wait, didn't you make her pregnant?"

He shook his head. "Nope. That would be your brother, Suze."

My mouth must have dropped open, because he laughed a little.

"My, my… my _brother?_"

"Step brother. Whatever."

"What, Brad?"

He nodded. I snorted. "No way."

"Yes way. And then she _had_ to tell me she was sleeping with him behind my back because her secret was getting bigger all the time."

I looked down. "Oh. I didn't see it that way. I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He said, straightening up.

"She was just so… different, in highschool. You know? Not the kind of person that would do something like that."

He shrugged. "Hormones took over, I guess. I couldn't give her what she wanted."

I smiled a little. He looked up. "Not that I'm, bad, in… you know…"

I laughed. "I'm sure you're fine, Adam."

We both smiled and looked at the table.

"So, what are you doing tonight?" He asked. I looked up to find his smile. It made me feel warm inside.

"Well, I thought that I might… go home. You know, watch some old movies."

"Alone?" He looked through my eyes.

I looked down and shook my head. "I was thinking, maybe someone… could watch them with me. You know, be my last minute Valentines day date."

"Well, what if that person isn't sure that you like them for who they are?"

I looked up and flashed a quick smile. "I don't think I do like him." I whispered. He looked down.

"Oh."

"I think I love him."

He looked up. "What?"

"I… I think I'm falling for you, Adam."

He smiled. "What took you so long?"

I smiled sheepishly and closed my eyes. "Oh, Adam." I whispered. "Whats wrong with us?"

I felt his strong hand grab mine under the table. "Nothing." He whispered back. "We're perfect."

------------

**Oh. My. God.**

**I just finished the next chap, all ready to go, and it was perfectly perfect, and then it DELETED ITSELF…**

**Sorry, guys… give me a while to work out the computer glitches. I have a great idea, and now I need to re-write it (what. A. drag.)… so… paitience please.**


	18. Chapter 18

I giggled as I walked through the front door. "Shh!" I whispered. "Sh, sh… I think that my brother is here."

"How nice. He stag too?"

"Ha, ha. And no. He's with his fiancée."

"Ooh, shit. That sucks."

I laughed a little. "Wanna have some fun?"

-

We walked over to the kitchen. There was this little elevator, to bring towels up in the olden days. Andy of course, hadn't removed this, concerning his obsession with the 1800's.

"Hook the camera up on there, and I'll plug it into the TV." I whispered. "Then we can spy on 'em." We both laughed for a while, and then He placed the camera on the elevator and pulled the rope.

"Oh, David." We heard Gina say.

"Oh, sweet Lord Jesus." Adam whispered, grinding his teeth in satisfaction.

"There, stop. There's his room."

We saw more then enough. David was kissing her… all over.

When she started taking off her shirt, I flicked it off.

"No, dude, turn it back on." Adam said, clicking the button.

"Oh, no way." I clicked it back off.

"She is getting _naked._" He whispered, turning it back on.

"And we should leave them to their privacy." I unplugged the TV.

We stood in the dark.

"Its dark."

"Its very dark."

We paused.

"So… were you really going to watch old movies, or were you just…"

I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him.

And it felt good.

-

I woke up the next morning to find Adam sleeping next to me, his eyes lightly shut, a smug smile on his face, and his strong hands around my bare waist.

"Adam." I whispered.

He opened one eye. "Yes?"

I laughed. "I didn't know you were awake."

"Well I am."

"Are you hungry?" I whispered.

He nodded.

"Get dressed. I'll make pancakes."

He smiled. "_You_ get dressed."

I reached for his shirt and slid it on. Then I pulled on my own jeans. Adam pulled on his jeans and did up his belt.

"Hey." He looked at me. "That's mine."

I pulled my hair back into a ponytail. "So?" I stood up and pushed myself off the bed.

"I want it back."

I walked over to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. "How about you stop flirting with me and kiss me good morning?"

He smiled sarcasticly and walked lazily over to me. "Good morning, Miss Simon." He kissed my cheek.

"Good morning Mr. McTavish." I took his shirt off and grabbed mine. "Here." I threw it at him.

"Ooh." He held it up to his face. "Kinky." He pulled it over his head.

"Shut up." I said, laughing.

"_You_ shut up." He said grinning.

-

Me and Adam ate those pancakes like there was no tomorrow. But Gina and David just picked at theirs.

"So." Gina said. "Did you guys fuck last night or what?"

In response, Adam dropped his fork and I choked on my pancakes.

"Hi." Adam said, looking across the table. "My name is Adam."

"I know." She whispered.

"Why would you think something like that? We weren't the ones pounding on the walls yelling, 'more, david, more!'"

"Adam." I whispered.

David dropped his fork and Gina turned deep red. "Dick."

-

I walked over to Brads room, which was where Adam was sitting.

"What are you doing?" I asked, looking in his room.

"He dosent live here, right?" He asked, a controller in his hand.

"No." I said, looking through.

"I'm playing video games. He has a kickass console. Wanna play?"

I shrugged. "Sure. I mean, you already humiliated my sister in law and my youngest stepbrother, whats one more?"

"Hey, I said I was sorry about that. It was a stupid thing to say."

"You shouldn't have said it then."

"I didn't say the stupid thing, your shithead friend Gina did."

"Adam!" I hissed.

"Well, its true. Sit. Play."

I rolled my eyes. "Happy Valentines Day, Adam."

"Happy…" He started, and then leaned to the left. "God damnit!" He yelled. "I can never get past this part."

I threw him a little book. "Here. It's all Brad's cheats. It'll have something there."

He smiled, looked at the book, and then looked at me. "Thanks."

He returned to his video game. "Oh, and Suze?"

"Mm?"

"Happy Valentines Day."


	19. Chapter 19

_**youre a part time lover and a full time friend**_

_**the monkey on your back is the latest trend**_

_**i don't see what anyone can see**_

_**anyone else but you**_

_**kiss you on the brain in the shadow of the train**_

_**kiss you all starry-eyed my bodys swingin side to side**_

_**i don't see what anyone can see**_

_**anyone else but you**_

_**here is the church and here is the steeple**_

_**we sure are cute for two ugly people**_

_**i don't see what anyone can see**_

_**in anyone else but you**_

_**i will find my nitch in your car**_

_**with my mp3, dvd, rumble pack guitar**_

_**i don't see what anyone can see**_

_**anyone else but you**_

_**up, up, down, down left, right B, A start**_

_**just because we use cheats dosent mean we aren't smart**_

_**i don't see what anyone can see **_

_**anyone else but you**_

_**you are always trying to keep it real**_

_**I'm in love with how you feel**_

_**i don't see what anyone can see**_

_**anyone else but you**_

**the end**


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